Tuesday, October 7, 2008

The Ultimate Optimization Problem - Choosing a Mate

Today I would like to wax poetic about Mr. PhizzleDizzle.

When I was in college at ILU, there was a famous course about Optimization and a famous TA which spent one discussion section explaining Optimization using an apt analogy, the S.O. selection process. Essentially, it is a mathematical breakdown of "bird in hand vs. two in the bush."

Allow me to illustrate with personal data (click to enlarge):

Out of the perhaps 10,000 men PhizzleDizzle has ever met (girl crush on Dr. Isis notwithstanding, I swing only one way), you can see from my plotted histogram that very few people of the male variety come close to being compatible with PhizzleDizzle. What TA from ILU was teaching in his course was, what if you are dating someone who falls on the right side of the bell curve? At what point do you cease to persist in moving even further right?

Fortunately for me, I have a hubby who falls so far right that I stopped wondering long ago. So, here are reasons that I love Mr. PhizzleDizzle:

*1) He absolutely adores me. This is very important.

2) He thinks I am very smart.

3) I think he is even smarter. Feminism aside, I don't think I could stand to be with a man that was not as smart as I am. Maybe I am just an intellectual snob, but I want smart babies (when the time comes).

*4) He takes care of his business. That means I do not have to do the stereotypical woman thing and nag at him to do XYZ. He takes care of it. Perhaps more than I take care of my shit. This makes my life easier.

*5) He likes to give me unsolicited backrubs and footrubs.

*6) He supports my desire to be better than I am. Even if it means being better than he is. He is not afraid to let me beat him at anything. This includes physical endeavors like Tennis and mental endeavors like finishing Crosswords before he does.

7) He is cute.

*8) He is not afraid of me.
8a) He is not afraid of the fact that I am smart, beautiful, fabulous, and technically inclined. He does not require an empty, vapid sycophant for a wife. He is secure enough in himself to never have to put me down. He is not afraid to ask me for help, EVEN IF IT INVOLVES THE COMPUTER.

9) He has given me no reason roses (but not on V-day because that would be unpragmatically expensive, appealing to PhizzleDizzle's desire to save money for shoes, purses, and technical gadgetry).

10) He has written me goofy poems.

11) He has never, ever, ever been negligent in the saying "I love you" department, even though in many other regards he is like a typical male and shies away from such things as the color pink, decorating things, tears, and feelings.

12) He helps me be more self-sufficient by teaching me how to use things like power drills and awls.

13) We have the same snide sense of humor when we are alone.

14) I wore a green goopy mask the other day after washing my face, and he didn't make one single joke.

*15) And finally, he has an absolutely adorable butt.

*PhizzleDizzle's absolutely required characteristics for ALL women when selecting mates.

This brings me to a (brief) rant.

I wish my male colleagues would more often marry fellow brainiacs instead of women I do not want to talk with at parties because they are utterly boring. I am not saying non-intellectually inclined people have nothing to offer, I am just saying that I don't want to talk about whether you look thinner this time, your highlights, or the rubber stamps you just bought from Michael's that are so adorable. I have great respect for men who marry challenging women. I have one male colleague who married a seriously kickass woman and I like him all the better for it. Not only is she an incredible athlete but she got better grades than him in college (in the same technical major) and is very, very smart. She rocks his ass at many athletic disciplines too, for which I worship her capabilities, and this does not bother him at all. In fact, he brags about it.

I wish they had girl babies. They would raise some seriously awesome, strong, kickass girl babies (who I am sure would be willing to put gas in the car). However, they have two boy babies, whom I hope will grow up to like kickass girls instead of inane ones.


JLK said...

I'm trawling back through your older blogs, in my boredom.

WTF are "awls"? I have not a clue.

"or the rubber stamps you just bought from Michael's that are so adorable."

My fondness is for stickers from Michaels, personally. I made an awesome poster about working fathers using a shitton of stickers from there. I love them.

I hope you don't think less of me now.....:(

Mrs. Comet Hunter said...

Looks like JLK and I are on the same wavelength - I'm reading some of your favorite posts in my boredom.

I love this post - your husband sounds like an outstanding guy! I agree that I respect men much more when I find out they're married to an amazing woman.

Although, I admit that I go to Michaels too - but for yarn for my new hobby of knitting ;)

PhizzleDizzle said...

Oh, I don't have anything against Michaels - I knit too, and I buy yarn.

If I go to a party though, and someone doesn't knit or isn't into what I am into, I won't talk endlessly about it because I have nothing else to talk about...you know?