Friday, March 6, 2009

I have to remember...

...that whether a not a company wants to hire me is NOT reflective of my value as a person.

It's hard to separate sometimes.

Not that I've had much additional news but when I get all stressed and worked up and feel bad, I have to remember this and not tie my personal self worth to how much these people are falling over themselves to give me a job.


Juniper Shoemaker said...

HA! I DO THIS WITH EVERYTHING. "Wow, they really want to hire me. I'm such a rock star!" "Wow, they didn't even call to tell me that they'd given the job to her. I'm nobody." Etc.

Then there's everything else. Whether or not someone wants to call me. Whether or not someone wants to email me. (Whether or not someone wants to blogroll me. . . SHHHHHHHHHHH! Don't tell anyone I'm that insecure!) I am doing all this right now. I am reading very interesting papers that I found hard to put down at three in the morning, yet I am still doing all of the above right now!

It was exponentially worse ten years ago. Over time, I learned to a) admit that I'm determining my value as a person based on my estimation of other people's variously-informed estimation of me, b) allow myself to have these feelings because I'm human and c) remind myself that if someone doesn't "want" me-- especially after I've offered myself-- it's their motherfucking loss. For fucking real.

This is no sort of advice to you. It sounds like you already have this mastered. I am merely taking this splendid opportunity to remind myself. And to tell you to hang in there by doing so. Hang in there, Phizzle. You have mad hacker skillz and someone good will want to hire you. You're totes wonderful, dudette!

Cath@VWXYNot? said...

Oh, I do this all the time too. "What, you didn't accept all the changes I inserted into your draft document? Waaaaaaah, you must think I'm a terrible writer"!

Keeping my fingers crossed for you... and I think you're awesome!

Ambivalent Academic said...

Phizz - I think you're awesome, and I'm always right. Well, almost always anyway. But I am for sure right about this. Self-doubt is bad for you, but we all do it, so hang in there. You are great.

Also, I just realized that Blogger has eaten the comments that I left on your last several posts. I am pissed at Blogger because they were very encouraging and supportive comments and now it appears that I have been ignoring you in times of distress. Blogger is making me look like an ass-clown. Probably like one of those people who doesn't call Juniper back. Probably like the sort of person who doesn't care. That is not the case. I swear.

Anyway, I am sorry about that and I'm sorry that my comments didn't reach you. I hope this one does. Hang in there - things don't saty bad forever.

Rebecca said...

Don't know if this will help you, but it certainly helped me. My counselor likened interviewing to dating. He said that you're looking for a fit not only in your qualifications but also in "chemistry." He told me about the jobs he'd been imminently qualified for but did not get because there was just no "chemistry" there, and the other jobs he wasn't so qualified for but he as a person was such a good fit with the group that they hired him anyhow.

You spend more awake time with your co-workers than with your significant other (sad but true) so it had better be a mutually satisfying relationship.

So don't be discouraged by these "dates" that may not have gone so well. They probably all leave the toilet seat up or chew with their mouths open and you wouldn't want to be with them anyhow.

Of course, it's easy for me to say all this because I *have* a job. But trust me, you gotta find something that's right for you. And I have confidence that even in this crappy economy, you will.

PhizzleDizzle said...

Awww, you guys are all so sweet. JS and Cath, I am glad you know what I mean - I know it's not personal but sometimes it's hard not to take personally!

It's just been such a stressful time because, I said to Mr. Phizz the other day, this whole job search process actually make me feel kind of like a whore, in a way. Like...I'll tell Company X "oh I'd looooove to do that", and Company Y "I'd loooove to do THIS" and this and that are sooo not the same thing. And I feel like I'm begging, like these people should just be falling all over themselves. And maybe they are but don't realize I'm sitting by the phone with bated breath like a desperate 13-year-old waiting for her crush to call.

AA - I don't know which comments have been eaten but I have always thought of you as a supportive Inter-Friend! I really appreciate having you as a reader. I'm so jealous you and MXX got to meet!

And Rebecca, you are so right on. That's what I've been telling myself...Company 1, which is the only one I am sure has rejected me so far, was NOT a good fit. And I know that...but it still sucks to be rejected, but I KNOW that it really wasn't right anyway. This dating analogy totally works. I don't need to get EVERY job. I just need to get *the* right job. In the singular.