Monday, April 20, 2009

No Longer Feeling Worthless - Just Pissed

I've been talking to a few friends who are also looking for jobs - good, smart, competent people, from freaking Top 5 programs, and they are having shittons of trouble too. Other friends are too afraid to even try, and part of me is like, "that will probably help, since maybe by the time they start things will be better."

I mean seriously. Yesterday I was angry at the world. I spent 30 minutes on a ferry ride reminiscing in a bad way about a friend I cut out of my life 5+ years ago. Rehashing shit and getting pissed. Then I went to yoga class and got pissed about yoga, it wasn't until she had us doing some crazy balance move that I had to really concentrate on that I felt a little better. Then I came back home and got pissed at my neighbors and their godawfully noisy kid. Then I got pissed because the computer at school that I was networked into hung and I couldn't access it anymore. Then I started with chatting with my friends who told me it's a fucking bitch out there in the job market.

I realized in the middle of all this that I was just angry in general. Fucking angry.

However, I realize being angry does nothing productive so I am trying to control it, but seriously, there is something wrong if PhDs in my field can't find jobs that suit them. I've never cared about financials much before, but I, too, am waited with bated breath for profit announcements from IBM and others, since Intel and Google gave theirs and, while they were ok, didn't inspire confidence on a rebound of the tech sector.

The main problem is, if everyone is tightening their belts, then they just don't spend money on tech. No new phones, new computers, new software...and the primary problem is corporate. Corporations usually rotate a lot of upgrades every couple of years or so and they are not really doing that right now, so the tech industry is hurting in that regard, all because of some rich dumbfucks who thought they could control the world and be masters of the universe with some dumbfuck financial derivatives whose value really could not be quantified except perhaps in terms of ExceptionalSuckiness.

Then I listen to these crazy insane assholes on Fox News talking shit about stuff and I just want to punch them all in the face because they are douchebag idiots who don't know a dumbfuck (like Bush) when they see one. Seriously, Sean Hannity needs to stop saying, "Maybe President Obama learned this from the pews of Reverend Wright's church or from hanging out with William Ayers too much..." Because seriously, the douchebag says it like every day. I'm not joking, I saw him say that 2 or 3 times on 2 or 3 different days in one week because he is a fucking moron.

Can you tell I'm angry? This post has turned out to be nothing a fucking rant because I am angry at the world. I just want a fucking job that makes use of what I am good at. Fuck. I fucking sound like CPP right now, I just need to throw in a reference to some fucking wackaloons and I am set.

Anyway, I used to wonder how I would deal in the face of adversity because I've never REALLY faced any real adversity because in general, my life has been one long picnic and I'm a fucking lucky beyotch. In the grand scheme of things, everything is still fine, because I am not out of options yet. So maybe it's my time to be tested a bit. My grandparents had dealt with way more serious shit by this age. My parents too. This is a fucking cakewalk and I should take it in stride. I'm trying. But I'm still fucking pissed.


Eugenie said...

I've got nothing useful to say other then you've described how I've felt for the past 14-ish hours: fucking angry.

I think when the time right, it's more than appropriate to be pissed off to the nth degree.

Jenn, PhD said...

Count me in too. I'm alternating between pissed and sad. Talk about a motivation sap.

ScienceGirl said...

When I get worried about current economy, I remind myself that in 2001 I was laid off from one of the corporations that tumbled, leaving me and the 2 people dependent on me with prospects of living on the street if I didn't get a job pronto (in the midst of all the layoffs!). Take a deep breath. It is not the end of the world, and it, too, will pass.

On a more practical note, my colleagues that are in the same boat are either postponing their graduation or taking post-docs to ride out the storm. Your internship sounds like a similar approach; sure, it is not optimal, but it is far better than joining the millions of unemployed.

PhizzleDizzle said...

ScienceGirl, You are so right. That's what the logical voice in the back of my head is telling me, ride it out with the internship...and at the very least save up some dough that way to be able to ride it out even more.

I still had to let out the pissedness though.

Eugenie, Jenn...I really really hope something works out for the both of you.

Toaster Sunshine said...

Anger can be transmuted into useful uses by creating stuff. Why not bacon-hack Sean Hannity's website at Fox? Even better, hack it to a steaming pile of poo.

What about jobs in the open source community? OpenBSD, Firefox, Electronic Frontier Foundation, et al. Is there anything available there?

PhizzleDizzle said...

TS: Unfortunately, I'm really not a hacker in that regard...I'm realizing that I really am very targeted and focused in my skills, and it doesn't include those sorts of projects...maybe in my spare time though, I can just work on some serious open source projects to broaden my skills. Except that between everything else on my plate (thesis, paper, moving), I dont 'really have spare time. But it's ok. Someting will happen, eventually.

Mrs. CH said...

Ugh PD - life just sucks ass sometimes, and it's totally okay to be pissed off and angry.

I worry about DH and I looking for jobs in the coming months. I still think he'll be able to find something rather easily, but it will be much harder for me I think. I so don't want to do a post-doc just because, but I might have too :S

Nicky said...

Pissed is totally the right way to be feeling, actually. It beats self-loathing any day. And I agree with everyone else -- the internship is a good place to ride out the storm.

Science Bear said...

Sometimes being angry at the world and letting it all out is the best release. I know that and rant blogs sometimes keep me from looking my lid at people (one of which includes the parents of a child who lives near me just like yourself).

Hope things start to look up soon, and feel glad you have the internship!

[this is a bear's misguided attempt to be helpful, hope it is actually helpful]

PhysioProf said...

On the bright side, you seem to be doing a pretty fucking good job at being fucking pissed off.

The lab pixie said...

I hear the anger. I had a bit of a tirade followed by me being a crying mess for a while on Saturday, so I am feeling your anger. I am incredibley annoyed at our government and their (short-sighted)planning for the PhD students they so desperately wanted a few years ago.

People on unemployment benefit earn more than PhD students here.

Ikea is opening here in a few months. So far there's been over 4,000 applications for about 300 jobs. And alot of those applicants have at least a 3rd level qualification. WTF!!

So be angry. Because as you've put it, for most of us things have generally been easy until now, but knowing that doesn't make me feel happier or more secure about finding a job.

PhizzleDizzle said...

MCH...this is probably the last thing you want to hear but DELAY GRADUATION!!!, I don't want to be so jaded, it's not universally bad, but it is in my sector at least. I wish you luck when your search begins.

Nicky - haha, so true - being pissed definitely does feel better than feeling like shit. I'll keep this up as long as possible if that's the alternative.

ScienceBear - that was helpful, thanks :). And it's good to know that I am not the only one ready to strangle some kid's parents.

CPP - fuck yeah.

Pixie - girl, I feel you. I sure hope you don't have to work at Ikea. I read an article in the NYTimes today about the utter collapse of the Irish economy and I felt so terrible...Best of luck to you.

The lab pixie said...

Yup, we're all fucked here. I'm heading to England as soon as I'm finished. They at least have some sort of semblence of digging themselves out of this situation, unlike our government. And they have better pharmaceutical jobs anyways.

Cath@VWXYNot? said...

Anger is a much healthier emotion (or at least it can be, if you channel it in a productive way!).

NB in British slang, pissed = really drunk, pissed off = angry. I still assume the former when a North American says they are pissed... so I thought this post was going to be about something else entirely!

PhizzleDizzle said...

Cath, that's funny! Maybe I can go get pissed as a result of being pissed off ;).